I've felt loneliness for most of my life. The silent, warm, night light that cast itself on me. Nobody to speak to, nobody to share with. None that really can smile at me with gladness, nobody that really is so proud of who I really am. None that really understands and touch, none that really offers to help, or lighten my breath.
I suspect I will feel loneliness for most of my life. Maybe a continuous stretch here and then, maybe pockets of loneliness scattered over many different instances. Who knows, maybe even burden and heartache, that I had grown to avoid over the many past years. Maybe a majority part of one's life is to be spent alone, even though one is in the midst of people you know. Not much people that you know, knows you. How ironical, people "that you know". And yet you feel that nobody knows you. Just a shadow under the stars. Stars provide light, but yet never enough to cast away the shadow. They are there for you to know that they are there, yet never came down low enough for you to touch.
Maybe it is society's fault, maybe it is the fault of our hectic lives. We don't even really see our friends and loves ones, just an empty sms that is always black and white. With a pathetic emoticon face icon that is 90 degrees rotated to the left. All the best to ubiquitous computing, although this is what that interest me now. Most of the time in our days, we only get to see that half smile in that scheming colleague's face. And one had to make do with convincing ourselves that the colleague is really sincere in all that is said. When I was at school, my friend told me he talked to his shadow, cause he got no one to talk to. I think it is society's fault.
I had so much to share, but no one to share with.
To talk about the little caterpillars that will try to cross the pavement, and then the road, and then pavement again, to get to the other side. Most get squashed along the way, never knew what had gone wrong. Still every morning they try. Contently crawling over the payment amidst your shoes and the high heel shoes of the running passengers, trying to catch the bus that is about to arrive at the bus stop. I think the rate of success on Sundays are higher, cause not much human traffic trying to catch the bus to rush to work.
How God care enough to make the trees such that they crown together, turning those trees along the road and over at the hill, into crowns of golden tops, in the evening sunlight. The scene is majestic and once everyday. You don't get to see this in the desert, or in the city. I don't even see this in Shanghai, just cold, grey, leaves on almost botak trunks.
The little children that played at that little playground, surrounded on all 3 sides by the 4 storey block, and the other side by a badminton court. They think the playground is the biggest theme park of all. Running the entire breath of the playground probably takes an effort, as compare to us who look at the playground with disdain, having seen much bigger playground anytime, anywhere. This will always be etched into their memories, the biggest playground of all, here, even after they grew up. What do I say so, cause I feel this way too. The biggest playground I had seen is in Pandan. I had to cross the sand moat, the concrete, a patch of grass, the width of a concerte path, another small patch of grass, a sand moat, then I reach the swing. My small legs would carry me across from the slide to the swing.
Oh God,
please tell the stars what happened today. Please carry the sms of my heart to them that I care and am looking high and low for another to share. Or am I also a star to them as well. Then let me have propulsion so that I may be able to cruise the space. To visit the milky way and the milo way that had yet to be found. To visit the different stars and be a blessing to them. But how good if I were to have a star for companionship and cruise together in our mission, to heal the various stars and comets, in our endless galaxies.
I missed my soul very much...
